Recently I went to Amsterdam with my friend for a festival. This was a one day festival but we decided to spend a long weekend in Amsterdam. I grew up in Holland and try to come back every year but whenever I’m in Amsterdam I feel like it’s a treat. The city is my treat. It’s almost my secret second home where I can be with my thoughts and do nothing and everything I want to.
Although I’ve never lived in Amsterdam, it definitely feels like home to me. I feel so at peace and at home in this city. I can’t explain what it is. For anyone who is going to try and point out that it’s the weed, you’re sadly mistaken. I don’t go Amsterdam for the weed, or anywhere for weed to be fair.
Before this trip I had been thinking for a while about going back and finding a job in Amsterdam so I can feel at home all year round. This trip reassured me that this is what I want. Although I am realistic and tried to separate my holiday feelings from the reality of living in a different city away from my friends and family. And I am still down.
I love London, I really do but it comes with a lot of good and bad memories. A lot of which I want to stay away from. I won’t forget these memories but I would like some longer time away from them. Having been on small small trips this year has helped a lot but I still need some more heeling time.
You know what I mean?
Do you ever think about me, the way I think about you? Maybe not as often as I do, but maybe even an eighth of my amount.
I’m going to sound very unsure here but if you did think about me, I’d be upset and if you didn’t, I’d also be upset.
I guess I’m not winning either way.
If you’re thinking about me as much as I am about you, then why haven’t you called? Why haven’t I heard from you? Why haven’t you let me know you’re thinking about me?
See that? Too many ‘why’s and questions. All which I want to avoid.
Now if you didn’t think about me I’d be upset because that would mean that you didn’t feel the same way. Maybe ‘us’ was special to me but not as significant to you. And I guess that’s okay. Now.
Now because I’ve grown out of the habit of thinking about you. Now I think about you an eighth of what I use to.
Is this me maturing and moving on?
I have a deep craving, a deep craving I’ve had for a little while now.
Contrary to the usual mid night snack craving, this isn’t a craving for sweet or savoury.
It’s a craving for love.
A craving to fill the void.
But this time with no temporary fillers.
I crave a filler so big, that it will fill the void and starve the loneliness.
Feed my passion and love, because I have so much love to give.
Starve the loneliness because I’m scared of it now.
I use to snack on the loneliness as a means of avoiding the pain that comes with love. But pain is a tag on so many feelings.
Loneliness as well as love.
I want to shutout the loneliness and emptiness.
They will no longer feed off my energy.
My energy will go to filling my craving for love and intimacy.
Two things I have neglected but I hope take me back.
Because I have a deep craving, a deep craving I’ve had for a little while now.
So the title is a question I get asked quiet often and my response has always been the same ‘I’ve always wanted to be a teacher’. That is a good enough response where I to be asked by a random person in a bar maybe or when my friend asks me but I actually have to write an A4 slide answering this question now. I say now but I was given this task around 3 months ago and have not attempted it yet. I just don’t know what to say!
What would be a good enough answer? Should I be explaining how my favourite teacher made me want to be a teacher? Or how I want to teach kids the subject I’m passionate about, just so that they feel the same passion? I want to inspire kids? Those are the cliche answers and that’s not what I want to write. I don’t know what to write but I know that’s definitely not what I want to write.
I don’t know why this is so difficult for me. In a way I want to place my heart on my sleeve and just ramble on about teaching but I don’t want people to read it and then see that I may not reach my expectation. What if I write about how I want to be this amazing teacher but actually, I suck. I can’t teach, my lessons are boring, the kids hate me, staff doesn’t like me and I just suck. How can I bounce back from that? Anyone reading this and thinking ‘hey this girl is afraid of failure’, you hit the nail on the head my friend. You’re absolutely right. Shall I tell you why as well? Because I have never been able to deal appropriately with negative consequences. Failing at something means I’ve let someone down or I’ve done something wrong and I hate both those feelings. That’s why I don’t want to write this assignment where I set myself out to be this amazing teacher but come the end of the year, when I look back at it and see that I was nowhere near what I aspired to be. So here goes the real assignment or what I would really like to say but the university will never read from me:
I want to be a teacher because I can’t think of anything else I want to be. I want to be doing a fulfilling job. I want to help kids. Help them in any way possible, let that be their personal life or their academic life. I want to make a positive change in someones life. I want to give hope to kids that there are no walls and limits and the world is their oyster. I want no kid to feel restricted due to any factor such as ethnicity, age, gender, disability or social class. I want to be a teacher because studying Sociology has opened my eyes to the world and fed a passion in me, I did not even know I had. I want to be able to spark that passion in a kid too. Sociology has taught me that people are treated differently or seen as different due to factors such as ethnicity, age, gender, disability, class and sexual orientation. I want kids to know that despite these factors, you should not restrict yourself but love yourself and keep on going.
Hey quick question; can you be mature without growing up?
So growing up is all about being ‘an adult’ right? Which consists of working, paying taxes, paying rent and all that grown shit. Can you do all that but still be childish? That’s what I’ve been trying to maintain for a little while… Don’t get me wrong, I can switch it up and be mature when I need to be and I’d like to think I have been over the years. My maturity has definitely grown. Certain situations with friends or lost connections, I’d like to think I’ve gone about things in a mature manner but that doesn’t always been I’m being ‘an adult’.
Lately I’ve been thinking about what aspects of life I’ve been mature or grown up about and which aspects I haven’t. Something that comes to mind often is my look. I’ve grown to accept myself for who I am and what I look like. When I was younger I hated my curly hair. I wanted straight hair so badly that I use to wake up early every morning before school and straighten it until it stayed straight. That was me at 16, at 23 I’ve accepted myself and have been comfortable in myself which I’m really glad about. Sure I’m not the most confident person and I have my bad sluggish days but there’s no more beating myself down over things and no more tears. But now I think I don’t look ‘mature’. I don’t look 23. I don’t look like a young woman. I don’t look like a student teacher. I look like a teenager. Do you know what I mean?
I’m not saying I want to look older but I want to look the part. I know that to some degree, my confidence restricts me from that as well. I guess a part of me wants to keep looking and being a teenager. And what adult doesn’t think that sometimes? Maybe that’s my reason for being mature but not growing up.
Time is valuable don’t you think? You can spend two hours watching a horrible movie and think ‘that’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back’. Or if you live in London and think of maybe taking the bus rather than the tube and get stuck in horrible traffic for an hour. That’s some more time wasted that you won’t get back.
Horrible when you think of it like that. When the day is done, that’s a whole 24 hours that you could have made the most of or wasted. Lately I’ve been wasting more of my 24 hours than making the most. Do you want to know why? (For the sake of this post I’m going to assume that you do), it’s because I’m not working. And I like it but hate it at the same time. I like free time to chill, hang out, do what I want but at the same time don’t like spending my whole day doing nothing, all the time. This is just a temporary hiatus for me, so I’m trying my best to appreciate my free time because I don’t get this often. On an unrelated note, I spend yesterday at the gym and at home watching comedy on Netflix.
Day. Well. Spend.
Back to the topic at hand, time wasters. Now that horrible movie or that long journey you took to meet your friends are technically time wasters but they’re not the worst. Imagine spending your life working at a place that day by day, slowly but surely chips away at your soul and sanity. That’s a real waste of time. In fact, that’s wasting your life. We’ve all had jobs that we didn’t like (shoutout to the call centre job days) but they were temporary. However, there are people stuck in dead-end jobs which that may not like, which is upsetting as that’s them wasting time. Your precious time, which could be spend on a job that you really want to do. That’s why it’s always essential that even if you’re in a job that’s not fulfilling your needs, to have something that’s just for you to spend your precious time on.
But the worst time waster or all time wasters are people. People who waste your time are the ones you have to take a big step back from. These people come in many forms, friends, family members, colleagues, lovers etc. It’s essential to know that regardless of their form, you can’t let that negativity stick around. Your time is precious and you should be around people who value your time and appreciate it. Appreciate you taking the time out and making the effort.
It takes around 2 months for a habit to be formed and 21 days for that habit to be broken. Putting numbers on it really has me thinking about my own habits. I use to be horrible at biting my nails. I could not have them long at all. Anxiety would work over me and I’d have to bite them off. I’ve stopped doing that now (thank God). The only time where I do find myself biting my nails would be if I’m very nervous or stressed about something. So when I was looking to re-vamp my blog and struggled for hours with the layout and structure, you can imagine I had no nails after that intense evening.
But I’m not here to talk about biting my nails (keep that to yourself Nadz…). I’m writing today because I’m trying my best to go back to my old habits. Back in 2013, during my first year of university I struggled to find a summer job so I spend all my time at the gym. I was really unhappy at the time, I wasn’t doing anything with my time and did not have money to always be hanging out with my friends. I’m also not the type to keep asking mum and dad for money either, so I spend my time at the gym. In the hope to lose weight and to feel better about my body image, I found the gym to be my get away place from the world. The gym I went to was located underground so I had no signal and didn’t need to be distracted by people’s messages and calls. Spending a good hour or two just sweating it out did me a world of good. As I slowly started going more often I started spending more time at the gym, studying workouts, watching what I ate and just became happier.
Having always had an issue with my weight, it felt great to see progress and to feel great. All that sweating released a huge about of endorphins which kept me happy. It distracted me from everything. I wasn’t the happiest bunny during my first year of university so this was just what I needed. Because I started to feel happier, certain things didn’t matter to me anymore. I just wanted to be healthy. Whether or not I managed to squeeze into a smaller size top or jeans wasn’t the priority anymore. Enjoying exercising and eating well became my priority.
That’s the old habit that I’d like to retrieve. I want to be my happy, healthy self again. Since I’ve not gained a horrible amount of weight or have been unhappy, I just want to look after myself more. Sometimes we tend to worry about external factors and accidentally ignore internal ones. Being a bit older now too, I see more importance in looking after the one body we get. Trying to be a fit 50 year old guys!
I’m staying patient and keeping in mind that baby steps have to be made. Rome was not build in one day, neither are habits formed in one day.