There will always be one person in your life you’ll always have a soft spot for. Maybe it was how you met or the experience you had with this person that’s left a remark on you which provided them with the soft-spot title.
Who even says it’s just one person who gains this title? You could have several soft spot positions in your life in different lanes and categories, if so it only makes sense to have more than one spot.
Now if you’ve thought of this person already, or more than one person came to mind – I just have a quick question, has this person, even though you have this soft spot for them, ever upset you?
A part of you might wonder ‘why would you even mention this? This is the person you have a soft spot for, they’re of course not going to upset you’. And that makes sense. But could it be, that you’re blinded by this persons ability to upset you because you have this soft spot for them? You (and by you, I really mean I) have placed this person on a pedestal, with high regards. Meaning to some extend you would overlook any upset they might have caused you.
I have more than one soft spot, but one of my soft spots is very special. A very special person in my life holds that spot. And whatever this person does, let it be to me or anyone else, I think I may overlook it. Let me back up… This person hold a spot in my heart because they are the kindest person, with the purest heart I have ever met. Someone who made me feel loved and allowed me to experience love. Someone who I know, I can always turn to and will support me however they can. But I have experienced pain from this person.
Other than being blinded to this, it took me a while to accept this. The thought ‘how could they ever upset me?’ raced through my mind a million times. ‘they would never make me feel like this’ was the next thing on my mind.
Despite upset and confusion, I could never strip the soft spot title from this person. While things have changed and the past is the past, the spot in my heart remains.
Recently I went to Amsterdam with my friend for a festival. This was a one day festival but we decided to spend a long weekend in Amsterdam. I grew up in Holland and try to come back every year but whenever I’m in Amsterdam I feel like it’s a treat. The city is my treat. It’s almost my secret second home where I can be with my thoughts and do nothing and everything I want to.
Although I’ve never lived in Amsterdam, it definitely feels like home to me. I feel so at peace and at home in this city. I can’t explain what it is. For anyone who is going to try and point out that it’s the weed, you’re sadly mistaken. I don’t go Amsterdam for the weed, or anywhere for weed to be fair.
Before this trip I had been thinking for a while about going back and finding a job in Amsterdam so I can feel at home all year round. This trip reassured me that this is what I want. Although I am realistic and tried to separate my holiday feelings from the reality of living in a different city away from my friends and family. And I am still down.
I love London, I really do but it comes with a lot of good and bad memories. A lot of which I want to stay away from. I won’t forget these memories but I would like some longer time away from them. Having been on small small trips this year has helped a lot but I still need some more heeling time.
You know what I mean?
Do you ever think about me, the way I think about you? Maybe not as often as I do, but maybe even an eighth of my amount.
I’m going to sound very unsure here but if you did think about me, I’d be upset and if you didn’t, I’d also be upset.
I guess I’m not winning either way.
If you’re thinking about me as much as I am about you, then why haven’t you called? Why haven’t I heard from you? Why haven’t you let me know you’re thinking about me?
See that? Too many ‘why’s and questions. All which I want to avoid.
Now if you didn’t think about me I’d be upset because that would mean that you didn’t feel the same way. Maybe ‘us’ was special to me but not as significant to you. And I guess that’s okay. Now.
Now because I’ve grown out of the habit of thinking about you. Now I think about you an eighth of what I use to.
Is this me maturing and moving on?
I have a deep craving, a deep craving I’ve had for a little while now.
Contrary to the usual mid night snack craving, this isn’t a craving for sweet or savoury.
It’s a craving for love.
A craving to fill the void.
But this time with no temporary fillers.
I crave a filler so big, that it will fill the void and starve the loneliness.
Feed my passion and love, because I have so much love to give.
Starve the loneliness because I’m scared of it now.
I use to snack on the loneliness as a means of avoiding the pain that comes with love. But pain is a tag on so many feelings.
Loneliness as well as love.
I want to shutout the loneliness and emptiness.
They will no longer feed off my energy.
My energy will go to filling my craving for love and intimacy.
Two things I have neglected but I hope take me back.
Because I have a deep craving, a deep craving I’ve had for a little while now.
So the title is a question I get asked quiet often and my response has always been the same ‘I’ve always wanted to be a teacher’. That is a good enough response where I to be asked by a random person in a bar maybe or when my friend asks me but I actually have to write an A4 slide answering this question now. I say now but I was given this task around 3 months ago and have not attempted it yet. I just don’t know what to say!
What would be a good enough answer? Should I be explaining how my favourite teacher made me want to be a teacher? Or how I want to teach kids the subject I’m passionate about, just so that they feel the same passion? I want to inspire kids? Those are the cliche answers and that’s not what I want to write. I don’t know what to write but I know that’s definitely not what I want to write.
I don’t know why this is so difficult for me. In a way I want to place my heart on my sleeve and just ramble on about teaching but I don’t want people to read it and then see that I may not reach my expectation. What if I write about how I want to be this amazing teacher but actually, I suck. I can’t teach, my lessons are boring, the kids hate me, staff doesn’t like me and I just suck. How can I bounce back from that? Anyone reading this and thinking ‘hey this girl is afraid of failure’, you hit the nail on the head my friend. You’re absolutely right. Shall I tell you why as well? Because I have never been able to deal appropriately with negative consequences. Failing at something means I’ve let someone down or I’ve done something wrong and I hate both those feelings. That’s why I don’t want to write this assignment where I set myself out to be this amazing teacher but come the end of the year, when I look back at it and see that I was nowhere near what I aspired to be. So here goes the real assignment or what I would really like to say but the university will never read from me:
I want to be a teacher because I can’t think of anything else I want to be. I want to be doing a fulfilling job. I want to help kids. Help them in any way possible, let that be their personal life or their academic life. I want to make a positive change in someones life. I want to give hope to kids that there are no walls and limits and the world is their oyster. I want no kid to feel restricted due to any factor such as ethnicity, age, gender, disability or social class. I want to be a teacher because studying Sociology has opened my eyes to the world and fed a passion in me, I did not even know I had. I want to be able to spark that passion in a kid too. Sociology has taught me that people are treated differently or seen as different due to factors such as ethnicity, age, gender, disability, class and sexual orientation. I want kids to know that despite these factors, you should not restrict yourself but love yourself and keep on going.
Hey quick question; can you be mature without growing up?
So growing up is all about being ‘an adult’ right? Which consists of working, paying taxes, paying rent and all that grown shit. Can you do all that but still be childish? That’s what I’ve been trying to maintain for a little while… Don’t get me wrong, I can switch it up and be mature when I need to be and I’d like to think I have been over the years. My maturity has definitely grown. Certain situations with friends or lost connections, I’d like to think I’ve gone about things in a mature manner but that doesn’t always been I’m being ‘an adult’.
Lately I’ve been thinking about what aspects of life I’ve been mature or grown up about and which aspects I haven’t. Something that comes to mind often is my look. I’ve grown to accept myself for who I am and what I look like. When I was younger I hated my curly hair. I wanted straight hair so badly that I use to wake up early every morning before school and straighten it until it stayed straight. That was me at 16, at 23 I’ve accepted myself and have been comfortable in myself which I’m really glad about. Sure I’m not the most confident person and I have my bad sluggish days but there’s no more beating myself down over things and no more tears. But now I think I don’t look ‘mature’. I don’t look 23. I don’t look like a young woman. I don’t look like a student teacher. I look like a teenager. Do you know what I mean?
I’m not saying I want to look older but I want to look the part. I know that to some degree, my confidence restricts me from that as well. I guess a part of me wants to keep looking and being a teenager. And what adult doesn’t think that sometimes? Maybe that’s my reason for being mature but not growing up.
Time is valuable don’t you think? You can spend two hours watching a horrible movie and think ‘that’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back’. Or if you live in London and think of maybe taking the bus rather than the tube and get stuck in horrible traffic for an hour. That’s some more time wasted that you won’t get back.
Horrible when you think of it like that. When the day is done, that’s a whole 24 hours that you could have made the most of or wasted. Lately I’ve been wasting more of my 24 hours than making the most. Do you want to know why? (For the sake of this post I’m going to assume that you do), it’s because I’m not working. And I like it but hate it at the same time. I like free time to chill, hang out, do what I want but at the same time don’t like spending my whole day doing nothing, all the time. This is just a temporary hiatus for me, so I’m trying my best to appreciate my free time because I don’t get this often. On an unrelated note, I spend yesterday at the gym and at home watching comedy on Netflix.
Day. Well. Spend.
Back to the topic at hand, time wasters. Now that horrible movie or that long journey you took to meet your friends are technically time wasters but they’re not the worst. Imagine spending your life working at a place that day by day, slowly but surely chips away at your soul and sanity. That’s a real waste of time. In fact, that’s wasting your life. We’ve all had jobs that we didn’t like (shoutout to the call centre job days) but they were temporary. However, there are people stuck in dead-end jobs which that may not like, which is upsetting as that’s them wasting time. Your precious time, which could be spend on a job that you really want to do. That’s why it’s always essential that even if you’re in a job that’s not fulfilling your needs, to have something that’s just for you to spend your precious time on.
But the worst time waster or all time wasters are people. People who waste your time are the ones you have to take a big step back from. These people come in many forms, friends, family members, colleagues, lovers etc. It’s essential to know that regardless of their form, you can’t let that negativity stick around. Your time is precious and you should be around people who value your time and appreciate it. Appreciate you taking the time out and making the effort.